Out of sight for now

If you ever remove your social media accounts be prepared for some extra time on your hands.

I couldn’t deal. I deactivated my accounts. While I made a new IG to document and follow my love for aquariums, fish, fitness motivation, and hiking, I’m off the map to my peers, “friends”, and anyone else who thought they knew me.

Did I want someone to come to me to ask, perhaps why my hiatus? Sure. But, no. No reaction but to a friend, I admitted during happy hour at Sushi, I needed a break. 

It’s just too much of a setback  to login everyday to see glimpses of the life one thought they should be living too. It is for me anyway. Failure. Seeing crafty and baking moments with Suzy and her kid or adventure moments with Paul and his lover. And here I am still the lonely asshole nobody ever really wanted, reposting local or world issues also of which they don’t care about while being hands entertwined or arm full of someone else. 

I know what people think. I know what I think. What a broken, sad person, nobody wants in vision anyway.

I just need a break. God willing I need to learn what I need to and this passes.

my thrills
my thrills

Present tense 

I can’t break this anxiousness to be at another point in time. It’s my greatest downfall right now. I feel like I’m still waiting for something that may never happen for me. It’s pretty miserable and pathetic. I wish I could instantly transform my unrestlessness into contentment. Hahahahhahahahahhahahaha that’s what everyone wants, right.

I wish I was playing w my kid, watching her transcend time. Or at the least, my partner in life, my man, my king, by my side making our way there.

It seems so impossible now.

I’m trying to focus on the things that make me happy for the rest of the day. 

  • Tasty food
  • Working out (well not ever before, but after..)
  • Reading Marrianne Williamson’s Illuminata
  • My fish



I zoom in as much as possible into her Facebook selfie. I throughly examine the lack of edges on her ridiculous, bulging, overly-inflated lips. Grotesquely unnatural. But men don’t care. His dickhead probably loves that her mouth is like a huge puffy glossy vagina. 

I hate in disbelief. Starring. Typical Hollywood, trying-to-be-famous, not-just-Instagram-famous, Los Angeles narcissist. She’s friends with like-bodied, social media popular, big-breasted “curvy girls”, as well as unthought of -Z list celebrities. 

She’s whack. I say it with jealousy but also some validity. I stalked them long enough to see he left her too. My heart grinned. But when I realized he wasn’t coming back to me either, I went for my sweats to sit, eat, and taste my Humble Pie.

Although I don’t think they’re together, I can’t help but to tap to her profiles sometimes. It’s like I love to feel insecure about myself. Her bright red fake hair, looking pretty dirty and stringy; I seek out how her flaws are worse than mine. Sigh. They’re probably not. And if he were going to go back to someone, even for just some ass, he’d probably hit up her porn-star looking self. 

It can’t be healthy to dwell in these thoughts.. Or actions. I just prolong my journey to self-validation. I know I’m pretty awesome. I just wish I wouldn’t forget so often.

I so desperately don’t want to be alone.. I so desperately want to learn and know God’s love so I stop seeking it in other people.

Self-help, Day 2

Sometimes I really think I’m “getting over it”. At times I have a peaceful hopefulness that refreshes my mindset. Although, often enough I can’t help but remember: I’m alone and “he’s” not coming back. And then I can’t come to terms with the possibility of meeting anyone better. It’s so hard to kid myself. I’m almost there tho.. I think. Ugh, no I’m not. This nagging hope. I’m trying. Trying to let go and not look back. 

I mull things over in my mind, dissecting the true fear and sadnesses of my feelings and thoughts. Do I actually miss “HIM” or the most beautiful, calming, soothing soulful sensations he evoked inside of me? Does it matter? He alone could stop this longing.. And so I think.Do you ever say to yourself, at random, “I MISS YOU SO MUCH”, and you weren’t necessarily thinking of a particular person? It’s how I go on everyday. I FUCKING MISS YOU, I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU… IM FUCKING WITHERING AWAY ..” 

It has to be one in the same; “Him” and all the lovely things he woke in me.

Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me and I can’t make someone truly love me. 

Off to finish the rest of my weekday, mundane routine.

Emo Introduction 

 I haven’t been properly fucked in about a year now. Even longer since I’ve been genuinely adored. I’m a sad sulky being, particularly in the morning when the only thing that motivates me is not being fired. I’ve decided to start blogging my struggles in an effort to help myself and perhaps someone else that’s feeling alone or the same. 

I guess I’m like a lot of .sad. introverts that feel guilty for for being sad because I should already have everything to make me happy.. Do I tho?

I like being a alone. But not this kind of alone. After I’ve recharged I deeply desire a connection to another human. It’s been years since having someone. I’m tired of being reminded that I’m 34 and the older I get my children are likelier to have Down syndrome. I can’t even find someone to marry let alone someone to procreate with. I’m over people thinking I must really damaged to still be single. I’m over thinking I must be really damaged to still be single.

Being sad makes me bitter in other areas of my life and that’s what I hate. I don’t want to take out my subconscious hurt on others but I’m sure there’s times when I’ve been harsh. It’s been a spiritual journey to say the least.

I’m an unconventional Catholic. New age Catholic? I don’t know, I believe Christ, God, Afterlife, etc. it’s probably part of my problem. Faith is everything to Believers. My struggle is accept “God’s will”. I’m kicking and screaming the whole way, not wanting to let go of my desires.

I’d love to smoke some weed, sign out, and mellow out but I’m dry. Oh yeah, I smoke herb. Writing and weed are the best therapists. And I’ve seen a therapist, so I know.

I guess it’s time to handle some necessities. I welcome you to follow me, tho I don’t know where I’ll end up. 

Getting into succulents as of late.