Selfish

Selfish

How often do single 30 something’s question the value of their worth? It must go hand in hand; how long you’ve been alone and the conviction of your sole soul. 

My heart sank when I opened his profile to reveal two young kids in Disney trip photo. No ring, but may as well be married. The painful burn spreading until unnoticeable to the rest of my being. The stupid crushy fairytale just another reminder of my incompatibility with anyone.

I felt it tho. I thought I did. That silent but undeniable tension of two attractive adults undergoing a business transaction. It’s so magnetic and captivating to come into contact with someone you want to know, touch, and taste. The fact that it NEVER happens and when it finally does, takes hold of your mental focus to the point of frustration because you just want to be near them again.
As this annoying life loves to be the way it is, more reminders of all your unachievable hearts desires: He’s your neighbors friend too.

 
I have probably seen that father be Mr Mom dozens of times. He’s probably bffs with Crush Manager. They probably all get together for barbecues with no alcohol and either feel like complete, happy families or secretly yearn for kinky sex and freeness from Dad Life. I’m awful; the latter is what I hope deep down:
He’s fucking miserable. He got with this so-so female and now they’re in too deep. Got kids to take care of and no chance of ever having a truly fun, spontaneous adventure.
Who am I kidding?  

If anything we’re all feeling relentless wishes. Some of us are lucky enough to have someone to fall back on.
I won’t ever look him up again.

Unchained

Unchained

A chain of little words come together releasing  so much tension. Nothing was accomplished but clogged emotions mist into the atmosphere. Like a neglected pitbull off the leash… free to roam, be it in an unforgiving place.

Out of sight for now

If you ever remove your social media accounts be prepared for some extra time on your hands.

I couldn’t deal. I deactivated my accounts. While I made a new IG to document and follow my love for aquariums, fish, fitness motivation, and hiking, I’m off the map to my peers, “friends”, and anyone else who thought they knew me.

Did I want someone to come to me to ask, perhaps why my hiatus? Sure. But, no. No reaction but to a friend, I admitted during happy hour at Sushi, I needed a break. 

It’s just too much of a setback  to login everyday to see glimpses of the life one thought they should be living too. It is for me anyway. Failure. Seeing crafty and baking moments with Suzy and her kid or adventure moments with Paul and his lover. And here I am still the lonely asshole nobody ever really wanted, reposting local or world issues also of which they don’t care about while being hands entertwined or arm full of someone else. 

I know what people think. I know what I think. What a broken, sad person, nobody wants in vision anyway.

I just need a break. God willing I need to learn what I need to and this passes.

my thrills
my thrills

Present tense 

I can’t break this anxiousness to be at another point in time. It’s my greatest downfall right now. I feel like I’m still waiting for something that may never happen for me. It’s pretty miserable and pathetic. I wish I could instantly transform my unrestlessness into contentment. Hahahahhahahahahhahahaha that’s what everyone wants, right.

I wish I was playing w my kid, watching her transcend time. Or at the least, my partner in life, my man, my king, by my side making our way there.

It seems so impossible now.

I’m trying to focus on the things that make me happy for the rest of the day. 

  • Tasty food
  • Working out (well not ever before, but after..)
  • Reading Marrianne Williamson’s Illuminata
  • My fish

🍥