I had no idea it were to be this way. I thought One’s 30’s were a magical time when your shit comes together and you make the most of life every morning.
Maybe that’s the general consensus because most people do have their life and family well underway. Meanwhile I’m reaching for for anything that will give me motivation in the morning to get up and participate in life with contentment.
God, I’m fucking tired of my non-single friends that don’t understand.
I can’t justify just how fucking soul-crushing it is when I finally go on a date with someone I met off POF and it went well and I never hear from him again. Unless you’ve never been fully appreciated you’ll never know how hard life is.
So I understand that we generally don’t look for God or a relationship with Him thru Christ unless we’re in troubled waters but this is nuts. I feel like I’ve barely been afloat for years and no sign of Him.
It’s fucking with my Faith. How do I have Faith when I feel like a corpse living out my days?
It’s so hard.
I fucking hate and love what I’m going thru.
What kills me is the doubt in the lesson unfolding.
My solitude is forcing me to be selfreliant; if anything, to put my fears in God and have Faith. The trouble is in my actions and lack thereof. When you do you re-fuck-ing-lax? When is it first nature to just shut up your mind and enjoy WHAT THERE IS?! When do I know to keep putting myself out versus letting what’s “meant to be” find me?
I can’t even explain the huge fucking desire to find my best friend. Laughing by yourself is cool. Reading, by yourself. Hanging by yourself. But it’s incomprehensible to my heart, to live this way forever.
There has been a few times, I thought I found “him”, but I didn’t. The last time of which was last week. As he sat beside me, my mind automatically fantasized a fairytale of love and unparalleled connectedness. HE, he is why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else.
I haven’t gotten it in my head that no one else is here to fulfill me. I forget that only God through Christ, can fulfill the void in my soul. And it’s not fair that I put the expectation on another person to make me whole.
I realize now that the only unions that are blessed are those that are brought together through Christ. There’s no need to force a relationship ever. When the person that is meant to be with you finds you, there won’t be so much torment.
I’m glad I met him he gave me hope that there exists other people with the desire for Truth in their heart. This journey has shown me to put my faith in Christ and what’s meant to be will happen in time and everything that I’m going through is getting me to where I need to be.