Selfish

Selfish

How often do single 30 something’s question the value of their worth? It must go hand in hand; how long you’ve been alone and the conviction of your sole soul. 

My heart sank when I opened his profile to reveal two young kids in Disney trip photo. No ring, but may as well be married. The painful burn spreading until unnoticeable to the rest of my being. The stupid crushy fairytale just another reminder of my incompatibility with anyone.

I felt it tho. I thought I did. That silent but undeniable tension of two attractive adults undergoing a business transaction. It’s so magnetic and captivating to come into contact with someone you want to know, touch, and taste. The fact that it NEVER happens and when it finally does, takes hold of your mental focus to the point of frustration because you just want to be near them again.
As this annoying life loves to be the way it is, more reminders of all your unachievable hearts desires: He’s your neighbors friend too.

 
I have probably seen that father be Mr Mom dozens of times. He’s probably bffs with Crush Manager. They probably all get together for barbecues with no alcohol and either feel like complete, happy families or secretly yearn for kinky sex and freeness from Dad Life. I’m awful; the latter is what I hope deep down:
He’s fucking miserable. He got with this so-so female and now they’re in too deep. Got kids to take care of and no chance of ever having a truly fun, spontaneous adventure.
Who am I kidding?  

If anything we’re all feeling relentless wishes. Some of us are lucky enough to have someone to fall back on.
I won’t ever look him up again.

Same Ol Sighs

Sigh. What can I say to ease the burdens of my heart? What can I tell myself to let go of the pain? “It won’t be like this forever. You will eventually not be alone anymore. Great will come from this awful reality…”

 

I come here to my writing because I honestly don’t have anyone to talk to. Somehow or another, as tears wellup in my eyes and overflow down my cheeks, I feel a tiny relief with the words I type out. 

We’re told to talk to God, the Holy Spirit, Christ.. to ask Him to fill us with love, peace, strength, understanding… I feel like I’ve been asking for so long with no real answer.
How can I think anything but that God doesn’t think too highly of me? Sigh.

At least once a day I feel this void in my chest.. a reminder of my loneliness. 

Oh how I wish I were dead. I’m so over this life. I look forward to nothing but sleeping and being alone so I can cry by myself.

Why, why do they fucking say God won’t give you what you can handle?? Until when do I have to handle this? I almost wish I had the balls to off myself.  

Unchained

Unchained

A chain of little words come together releasing  so much tension. Nothing was accomplished but clogged emotions mist into the atmosphere. Like a neglected pitbull off the leash… free to roam, be it in an unforgiving place.

Where is He?

I had no idea it were to be this way. I thought One’s 30’s were a magical time when your shit comes together and you make the most of life every morning. 

Maybe that’s the general consensus because most people do have their life and family well underway. Meanwhile I’m reaching for for anything that will give me motivation in the morning to get up and participate in life with contentment. 

God, I’m fucking tired of my non-single friends that don’t understand. 

I can’t justify just how fucking soul-crushing it is when I finally go on a date with someone I met off POF and it went well and I never hear from him again. Unless you’ve never been fully appreciated you’ll never know how hard life is. 

So I understand that we generally don’t look for God or a relationship with Him thru Christ unless we’re in troubled waters but this is nuts. I feel like I’ve barely been afloat for years and no sign of Him. 

It’s fucking with my Faith. How do I have Faith when I feel like a corpse living out my days?

It’s so hard. 

Passion Pending 

Passion Pending 

I fucking hate and love what I’m going thru.

What kills me is the doubt in the lesson unfolding. 

My solitude is forcing me to be selfreliant; if anything, to put my fears in God and have Faith. The trouble is in my actions and lack thereof. When you do you re-fuck-ing-lax? When is it first nature to just shut up your mind and enjoy WHAT THERE IS?! When do I know to keep putting myself out versus letting what’s “meant to be” find me?

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHH.

I can’t even explain the huge fucking desire to find my best friend. Laughing by yourself is cool. Reading, by yourself. Hanging by yourself. But it’s incomprehensible to my heart, to live this way forever.

Holy Misconception 

There has been a few times, I thought I found “him”, but I didn’t. The last time of which was last week. As he sat beside me, my mind automatically fantasized a fairytale of love and unparalleled connectedness. HE, he is why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else.

I haven’t gotten it in my head that no one else is here to fulfill me. I forget that only God through Christ, can fulfill the void in my soul. And it’s not fair that I put the expectation on another person to make me whole. 
I realize now that the only unions that are blessed are those that are brought together through Christ. There’s no need to force a relationship ever. When the person that is meant to be with you finds you, there won’t be so much torment. 
I’m glad I met him he gave me hope that there exists other people with the desire for Truth in their heart. This journey has shown me to put my faith in Christ and what’s meant to be will happen in time and everything that I’m going through is getting me to where I need to be.